She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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