I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Panties = found
Randomize
