my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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