I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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