Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize