And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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