So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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