i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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