According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
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