She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
