Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
