So drunk, too bad you don't want this
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
