you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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