life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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