I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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