Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
