a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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