God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
