what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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