You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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