I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
