We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
