Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
