Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
