I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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