I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I need to stop coming to work sober
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
