Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
