My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
