He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
