So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
