Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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