I just pynch a tree in the face
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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