why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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