why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
