Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Randomize
