Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i think my cat just said my name.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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