You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
