I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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