remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
