he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
