Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
