My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
