Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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