I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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