Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
