I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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