last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
