If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
