So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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