I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
