I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
