I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
