he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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