I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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