I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
