My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
